


For Him, For Myself

by milesboop



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin, aot, snk - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 15:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3254951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milesboop/pseuds/milesboop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story is told by a young girl named Alice Grün. Born in the poorest part of her town, she grew up and accustomed to stealing, lying and running for her life to save her family from starving. One day, she meets a young boy with star-filled eyes, and years later she re-encounters him, love growing with each passing day as well as a friendship that will not be broken even by the strongest of forces. Through this story, she lets us know how much she loves this boy, now a man, and just how much he changed her and she in turn changed him, showing us a side of him that not even some of their closest friends have ever seen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Him, For Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, I wrote this last year and it took me about 4 months. While I was writing it, it felt so cool and amazing etc etc etc, but now that I re-read it, although I have not stopped liking it, it just feels a lot more like I created a Mary Sue instead of a cool female OC like I hoped and tried to and that's kind of a bummer. Still, this was originally on my Wattpad, but now that I actually have a profile thingy here on AO3 I thought "why not" and wanted to post it, since it's not /that/ horrible.  
> Also, I should probably note that I wrote this based on the anime (for the most part) because I didn't want to spoil anything for anyone who is not reading the manga.  
> Sooo yeah. I think that's it.  
> Oh my.  
> Good luck if you decide to read it.

        I couldn't really put my finger on it. There was just... Something about him. Maybe it was the way he walked like he was the only man in the world, but he stopped to help another one up, or how he talked his monotone voice and spoke words of experience-filled wisdom, somehow full of the feelings he so often tried to hide behind a veil of false indifference towards his companions; perhaps it was also how he moved so fiercely with his 3D Maneuver Gear, like a dance in the air, or his strength, or the strong muscle right beneath the fabric of his white shirt; the cold stars in his gray eyes that sparkled like a thousand suns in the distance, heating up a faraway world of secrets. It could also be his strange way of holding a cup, associated directly with the consequences of his rough childhood: an impulsive, memory induced obsession with utter, complete cleanliness. The white cravat hanging from the collar of his shirt, and the locks of straight, black hair falling on his pale face.

        I remember when I met him: I was young, roughly eight years old. My family never had a lot of money, so we lived in the poorest part of our town. Kids here learned the rough ways of surviving: “steal this, burn that, break that…” It never appealed to me, that sort of thing, but, well, with four smaller brothers and a sick mother to feed, I had no choice. I didn’t like living like that; I hated it more than anything. Giving up who you are for the sake of others is the worst self-betrayal one could commit, and day by day I lived like that. Why? Because I was supposed to.

        One day, I was running from this man on the street, and, seeing that I was getting lost and tired with all the extra weight of the oranges I’d stolen from him, I turned around a corner and found myself in a dead-end alley. Panting, I fell to my knees, finally defeated, and I could hear the man getting closer. My whole body was shaking and tears were streaming down my face.  _It’s all over_ ; I thought desperately, the oranges still in my arms, filling the thin air between us with their sweet and sour fruity smell.  _I’m never going back home. My family will starve and I will be-_

         Suddenly, someone pulled my sleeve and hid me inside a large crack in a wall. “Wha-?” The stranger held one of my hands in his and pressed it against the wall. He took the other one and put it over my mouth. The oranges fell to the floor of the thin hole where only the two of us would fit. I heard the man’s footsteps in the alley and we held our breath. Eventually, he scowled and walked away. The person leaned forward towards the entrance to the crack as he slowly let go of my hands. He stepped outside and I could see his small figure: he was about one or two years younger than me, a little bit shorter, with locks of straight midnight-like black hair falling over his face. He motioned with his thin arm for me to get outside. I did, but turned around to pick up the oranges. I heard him sigh and pull something out of the pocket of his saggy pants: a bag. He crouched down next to me and started putting the remaining fruits in it. When we were done, half of them were in the bag and he handed it to me. I hesitated a bit before shaking my head and pushing it his way. “You keep it. Thanks for helping me,” He looked at the bag and then at me. To this day, I’m not sure what I read in his expression that made me want to stay and learn his name, and he never really told me. It was like a mixture of thankfulness, curiousness, and maybe a bit of confusion. Regardless, he nodded and hung the bag from his shoulder. Extending his small hand, he introduced himself using his thin voice: “I’m Levi,” I shook his hand: it was really cold and bony, but fit perfectly in mine. “Alice,” I said. He held on a bit longer before letting go and walking away.

***

        My father was a member of the Scouting Legion (the best one, actually, or so I’d heard): Louis Grün. He was the Legion Captain’s son, a soldier that came from God knows where and made sure his son knew how to kill titans before he could even hold a spoon. I looked a lot like my father when I was little: blonde, blue-eyes, with a skin so white I couldn’t even play in the sunlight. As I grew up, however, my hair got darker, my skin more tanned and my eyes acquired a color that my mother very often referred to as a “lovely forest green with patches of a summer sky.” She was actually quite poetic most of the time, and although now she’s passed away, I can sometimes hear her melodious voice singing me to sleep when I have a rough day.

        Growing up, all I knew is that I wanted to get out of my house and be like my father. I wanted to experience what it felt like to be my own self, to have a choice: giving my life for humanity’s victory. It turned out being a possible decision, because one day his squad was returning from a mission, and he was completely deaf and blind on one side of the head. As we all know, balance is perhaps the most important thing one may need whilst using the 3DMG. Without half his hearing and his sight, he had lost his ability to fight. Just like that, something so simple, something that didn’t even leave him in a bed or a chair for the rest of his life, and yet he chose to stay at home instead of doing any other job at the army. Fighting was what really mattered to him, and that had been taken away. I was sixteen. Long story short, he didn’t think a young girl like me should be doing such a God-forsaken work to keep her family going on, so he stayed with my mom and siblings and started working to support them. And me? Well, I seized my chance and left for military training.

         Perhaps it was fate that brought me to that exact same Trainee Squad, but I never was a huge believer in such things. However, when I stood in that sun-burned dirt field, with all these people I’d never seen before right next to me, I felt really small. That is, until the chief instructor stood in front of this guy who was about four inches shorter than me and asked for his name and motivation, and, with a cold, gray stare all he answered was:

         “Levi.”

        Everyone remained silent, but after no other words followed, they started whispering. Frankly, I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying, or to what the instructor was yelling. All I could think of was the little boy who’d saved my life eight years before that. He scanned our faces, and then he got to mine. His eyes squinted a little bit, but then he moved on. This didn’t surprise me: like I said before, my appearance changed drastically since I was a little girl. It still hurt, though. But I didn’t let it affect me a lot. Eventually, the instructor got to me:

        “Alice Grün! I’m here because I want to have a choice, and I want to help fight for humanity’s victory and freedom!”

***

        I soon came to learn his stubborn way of being. At first, he didn’t really follow directions, he liked to do things his way, and it very often ended with him failing many exercises. I, on the other hand, tried my best to do what they told us, and it seemed to be going quite well: I succeeded at trying the 3DMG simulator on my first try, I learned everything we were told in the theoretical courses about titans, and my physical condition was excellent. So, it was no surprise when one night, after training, he came to me seeking help. I didn’t refuse, of course.

        Soon, he started to change: he got more disciplined, considerably better at fighting, he got better grades… Everyone was shocked by his sudden change in behavior, especially me. They were also surprised to see the two loners walking around together, fighting together, and eating together… But I kept wondering, why come to me? I wasn’t friendly or anything, a loner by excellence: my reason for this was simply that I hadn’t joined the army to make friends. However I worked well during group practice. So, it wasn’t that I didn’t get along with people, I just chose not to. There were plenty of other who could’ve helped him, people with friends as well as good grades, but out of everyone he wanted my help. The excuse that I was the best one in the Squad didn’t really convince me; maybe it was just me wanting to believe that she star-eyed boy had remembered that day eight years ago, but the truth was probably that my hopes were let down. It seemed he didn’t really remember.

        His appearance also began to change: his hair was now neatly cut into an undercut style, allowing more of his face to be visible. From the collar of his white uniform shirt started hanging a white cravat, very well folded and taken care of. His walk turned steadier and his posture straighter. And so, with this began his cleanliness obsession. I don’t think I saw his hands or his clothes get dirty very often, and if they did, he cleaned them immediately. I started visiting him in his room to go over stuff from the courses or our reports and it was either extremely tidy or he’d be arranging it (“…for fuck’s sake, these guys never lift a finger around here, I swear they put me with them on purpose…”), on those occasions I’d do my best to help him, but he was like a hurricane, moving around quickly, putting everything in place and scrubbing around, so I kind of just made the beds and looked at him.

        To this day, those memories make me smile.

***

        It rained that afternoon. We couldn’t light up the pyre.

        Their blood stained the grass beneath our feet.

      We could have joined another part of the army. Why did we choose the one where we were  _literally forced_  to be afraid, watch comrades die, offer ourselves as bait? People tend to think that if you don’t talk to others you can’t really appreciate them or care for them. Let me just tell you how wrong they can be: if it is from a partner’s or a superior’s point of view? That doesn’t really matter. What matters is what you see in others, their traits, weaknesses, fears… You care for them. They may not know it, but they form part of the list of people you admire.

        This sort of people were the closest thing I ever had to a group of friends. I remained calm on the outside, but it killed me to see such great and talented soldiers be reduced to a pile of rain-soaked bloody flesh, especially because these were the unclaimed bodies, those who didn’t have a home or a family to go back to. They had formed their own home within the army and their family were the friends they made here.

        But my own flesh and blood was there and it only made things worse. When I got the letter from my father informing me of my mother's passing, I grabbed my things and sailed to my hometown. He was there to receive me, and yet his face darkened even more when he saw me. The reason hadn't even crossed my mind until he asked me:

        “Where are your brothers?"

        When I went back, it was a worker who told me the Legion had gone on a mission. I put on my uniform as I felt my heart beat faster in my chest.  _This can't be happening, this isn't real, they’re okay..._ My horse suddenly wasn't fast enough as the light of an early afternoon sun reflected on my tears. Dark brown mane brushed against my cheek as I leaned in forward. No titans yet. I saw a few dead horses right before I heard a scream. It froze every fiber in my body. I felt like ice water had been poured on my back, because I knew that voice. I knew that scream very well. I jumped up with my 3DMG into the giant tree forest right as I saw Erd on the ground, surrounded by three titans. He tried to get up but instead winced in pain; I figured his leg was broken. I panicked and aimed for a tree next to them. Without thinking or feeling, I sliced two necks in one blow. Having no time to waste, I stood on a branch, changed my blades and threw myself forward again. I killed the third one and went to the ground. I pushed him out of the way right before the titan's body fell where we were with a loud thud. We remained silent for a moment. Right then, I realized I was still crying. I somehow flew us to a thick branch. He got off and sat down.

        “Tha-” I didn't let him finish. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. He was shocked, but he hugged me back and didn't ask any questions. I breathed in his scent: it smelled a bit of sweat, but I didn't mind. It just made me very happy to know he was alive and I held him to make sure it was real, that my brain wasn't playing games. After a while, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. His lips were dry and he kissed me back, running a hand through my hair. We stopped and rested our foreheads against each other. “Um, thank you, A-"

        “Don't ever scare me like that again, you hear me? Ever," he nodded. I stood up and looked into the forest. “Where are the others?"

        After I got us to where the rest were, Erwin approached me. Levi came right behind him, as well as two medics and my little brother, Maurice. Levi tried to stop me, but I ignored him and grabbed my sibling by the shoulders; his head was wrapped in thick, white bandages.

        “Where's Erik?" he gazed down before weeping. I shook him and bent over to look him in the eye. “MAURICE! WHERE IS ERIK?" I asked again, yelling. He didn't answer. “Fucking-!" I let go of him. I fell to my knees. I didn't have any more tears, so I didn't cry. Suddenly, a new feeling overwhelmed me: anger. I was so, so very angry, and I knew exactly at whom. I got up and turned to Erwin. He was facing me, an opportunity I didn't waste: raising my hand, I slapped him across the face with all the strength I could gather. He almost fell off the branch and Levi and Maurice grabbed me before I could do anything else. “YOU... YOU... KILLER! YOU'RE A MURDERER!" I yelled, my voice cracking, my hand and throat aching. “YOU KILLED HIM! TO YOU WE'RE JUST... BAIT, AREN'T WE? 'Offer up your beating hearts!' BULLSHIT!" the medical team came in to carry him away. I didn't stop, even after they took off: “YOU BASTARD, YOU SON OF A BITCH...!" eventually, I broke down. My screams turned into muffled cries against Levi's chest. He hugged me until I stopped shaking while Petra came to take away Maurice after hearing all the yelling. I silently thanked her, the last thing he needed was to see me like this.

        The day we returned, it started raining on our way to the wall. The cold water embraced me like the arms I no longer had. My father never claimed Erik's body. The news of his suicide didn't reach me until two weeks after the expedition. I guess my world lost its first third that day.

***

        He was just... Standing there, with his back against us, staring down into the river. I walked toward him. His shoulders were shaking and his hands were two tight fists to his sides. The wind moved his onyx locks, sunset staining the purity of his sadness and making it appear beautiful, when in reality it was nothing more than just a void in his heart. I walked slowly to where he stood. As soon as he heard me, he turned in a second, blades in hand, but I responded in time with mine, way too familiar with his moves. At first I looked down at his shoes, holding his weapons with mine. When I looked up into his eyes, they were bloodshot and puffy. The blue tint in the endless gray was off, but his pupils were wrapped in crystal. He tried to put a strong face, failing and letting his lower lip tremble.

        “Lev-"

        “Shut up," he gazed down and cried a couple of tears. I softly pushed our blades down. He put them back in their place and put his arms to his sides again. I also put mine away and took a step forward. He'd been like this since... Yes, okay, I had acted that way, too, I'd cried, and screamed, I had sleepless nights and when I slept the most terrible nightmares haunted me and kept me uneasy even when I was awake, for another third of my world had been lost. Erd was almost always serious, besides from when I made him laugh. We were each other's happiness, a hole I could not fill now. I'd only seen Levi smile once, with Petra, after a mission. I still had not heard him laugh, though, which was something I was determined to achieve. But, tell me: how do you give happiness without having your own? My heart ached when I saw him like that, not because he was sad, but because I understood just how wrecked and hurt he was. I grabbed him by the shoulders and moved my hands to his arms. He cried a bit more, so I hugged him instead. I wrapped his body in my arms and felt him shake. Closing my eyes, I let him hug me back. What was going through his mind? It hit me suddenly, and I talked softly into his ear:

        “She knew."

        He sniffed and looked up at me, confused. I continued: “She knew that you loved her. Everyone did, actually, but she was sure of it, because you made sure she understood. And she told me how great you are; God, she never shut up about it. And I know this is mostly about her, but you also ought to know just how much they all admired you," he was still looking at me, but my eyes were watering up, so I closed them. “To them, you were... A hero. To Petra, Gunther, Oluo and Erd," my voice cracked. “You were their reluctant hero, and they fought bravely for you until the very end, because they believed in you. I, too, believe in you: you're wonderful. You have saved my life before, and I owe you so much. So you can't just let something like this be the end of you. Because you're strong, oh so, so strong, and just like them, many of us believe you will help us be free of these cages we call protection. Regardless of you having faith in yourself or not, we have faith in you. I have faith in you. I..."  _just say it, dammit._  “I..."  _he's your best friend! He won't take it that way, will he?_  I cleared my throat and opened my eyes.  _But what..._

_What if he does?_

        We looked into each other's eyes. I held him tighter and buried my face in his hair, crying even harder, and I said what had got caught in my throat so many times before:

        “I love you, Levi."

***

        I contemplated moonlight through the window, unable to get some sleep. His bare chest rose up and down slowly. It was warm, and strong, and quite comfortable. He had an arm over my back, my hand was resting on him and our breathing was calm and steady. We had a mission the next day. We were supposed to be getting enough rest. However, and even though he was sleeping, I couldn't seem to get some shuteye. I tried to turn the other way, but being away from Levi before going outside the walls terrified me. Yes, we were the strongest soldiers, our killing records were practically unbeatable, but I was concerned about his well-being. Whether we liked it or not, we were almost 40, we were no longer the energy-filled teenagers of training. I don't think I need to mention that he wasn't the same since Petra died. Literally anything could happen while going into the Devil's territory. I could only think of terrible scenarios, and it didn't help that, of all things, my worst fear was dying. Feeling everything around me get darker and darker, my body getting cold... I didn't want to leave my friends behind, and if Levi lost me, too...

        No, I couldn't think like that. He was right there next to me, sleeping like a baby. I looked at him: he was so beautiful. His hair was messed up and sprawled over his pillow, and the furrow between his eyebrows was gone. He just looked really calm, peaceful. I leaned up and placed a kiss on his lips. He moved slightly and opened his eyes a little bit to look at me.

        “Why are you still awake?" I shrugged.

        “I just can't sleep," he pushed a lock of hair behind my ear.

        “Nightmares?"

         “Fear," I said, shaking my head. He nodded.

        “Close your eyes," I looked at him a bit confused, but gazed down again and did as he said. He ran a hand through my hair very softly, and then he started singing: “ _Sleep tight tonight / what color are the clouds today?_ "

         His voice was deep and just slightly, but rather sweetly out of tune. There was a certain raspiness to it, and I started getting sleepy. “ _Is the sun still shining in the young boy's eyes? / Are the cold stars still reflected in his dark pupils?_ " I felt relaxed for the first time since Erd's death. I just let him sing his lullaby, I let it flow through my body and calm me down, until I no longer had a worry, until I was happy.

          “ _What color are the clouds today? / It doesn't matter / because at least / He gets to see the sky._ "

         And so, I finally fell asleep.

***

        We ride fast, faster than we ever have. My squad is afraid, I can tell by their expressions and their wide eyes, and I experience a small tremble in my hands as well. I look forward and around me, but shake my head.  _He's not there_ , I tell myself.  _He's at the front of the formation, with Hange. Don't worry, they will be okay._ I decide to trust their experience and contemplate the first houses of the abandoned city of Shiganshina. We're at the far back, so we are the last ones to enter, and it is like everything I was afraid of: death under our feet, next to us, in front of us... Everywhere. I start sweating nervously and Maurice gets near me. I hear him talking to me, muffled sounds get to my ears and I finally turn my head his way. I don't say anything, turning to the front again, because I can already hear the screaming, we are so close. Taller buildings stand before us and I give the command:

         “SWITCHING TO THREE DIMENSIONAL MANEUVER GEAR!"

         We fly. The Wings of Freedom gleam on our backs and wave fiercely against the wind. If I had the guts to, I would have probably given more orders, not caring about my decisions and their outcomes. My rosewood hair is tied up, my recently acquired glasses clean and my uniform and 3DMG in place. Yet I feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't like being responsible for all these lives, what if something happens to them? What will I tell their families? How will I ever look them in the eye? Despite me pointing out my already obvious inability to empathize with less experienced soldiers and my constant nervous inestability, Erwin ignored my pleading and named me Squad Leader. It is true that I like making my own decisions, but why the fuck would I drag someone into my reckless plans? “You'll be alright," he said, and at the time I believed him for a bit. Then, I was put in charge of actual human lives. Why would he-?

        “ALICE!" I hear Maurice yell. I look around, confused, and notice two titans right in front of our formation. My brain flashes panic for a moment before realizing again that not only my life was in danger.

        “SQUAD LEADER ALICE! WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS?" someone else asks. I quickly analyze the situation.

        “MAURICE AND ABELINE, YOU HANDLE THE 8-METER CLASS! LEAVE THE OTHER ONE TO ME! THE REST OF YOU ADVANCE AND HELP OTHERS!" this said, I go on forward and focuse on the 15-meter class coming our way. I aim for the side of his neck and fly around him, slicing his nape in the process. I then shoot at a rooftop and land there, breathing heavily.  _What are you so scared of? You've done this countless times before. Get your shit together and fight._

        It is all like a dream. Not what is happening, really, but more how it is happening. All I know are blades and burning titan flesh. The vapor is scalding, my eyes burning with every kill. I don't know how many are down already. I just keep slicing and shooting myself forward. My technique of using gravity to make some moves saves me a considerable amount of gas and gains me more time than I wish would be used to do such things.  _What am I doing?_ Killing titans.  _But why?_  Because, if I do not do it, they will end me.  _Will they?_ Yes.  _Don't you sometimes empathize with them?_  No.  _Are you sure?_ Why would I empathize with those...? Those stupid killing machines? What do they mean to me? Nothing. Nothing at all.  _Well, they are the only ones capable of putting up a decent fight against you._ No, they're not.  _Really?_  Yes, there is also...

        I nearly fall.  _Levi._ I was so immersed into my own killing spree and my own thoughts that I actually forgot about him. I am about to turn to look for him, when someone calls my name:

        “ALICE!" I turn in the direction of the voice: Maurice is trapped inside a titan's fist, two blocks away from me. I nearly puke, but when I'm about to go and help him, I hear Abeline's desperate cries for help. She's closer to me than my brother, and is also in a titan's hold.  _Dammit, which way do I go?_  I consider the possibility of saving her and then going for the other titan. I'm the only one around that can save them, but I panic and freeze.  _What is wrong with you today?_  “ALICE, PLEASE!" he screams again and I shake my head. I go his way. However, I soon realize I won't make it on time.  _Fuck!_  The titan pulls him to its mouth in a second. “AL-!"

        It swallows Maurice whole. When I get there, I kill it; Abeline's cold metallic screams a morbid soundtrack to my desperation. I slice the dead titan's stomach: dead bodies and parts flow in every direction in a river of blood as I retrieve my little brother's corpse. It's too late. I was too late. I couldn't save him, or Abeline, I wasn't fast enough. My fear and worry have cost me yet another family member, as well as an excellent, brave soldier and friend.  _It's as if everyone I care about just dies because of my love..._

        I hear someone maneuvering my way. The stranger kills the other titan and then rushes to where I kneel next to Maurice's body. “Alice, come on, you can't be on the ground!" no words come out of me. He makes a frustrated sound with his teeth and grabs me by the waist, pulling us to a rooftop. “ALICE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

        “Jean, I..." the words get caught up in my throat. I had seen people get killed before, but Maurice... He was a whole other thing. He was my brother, and I saw him get eaten. “I saw him die, Jean. He called out my name and I didn't make it, I wasn't fast enough. I failed him. I failed him, God dammit!" he looks sadly at me before placing a hand on my shoulder. His only response is:

        “I'm sorry. I know... I know how you feel. But we have to move before-" the sound of two more people coming in shuts him up. Seconds later, Eren and Armin land next to us. Behind them come Connie and Sasha, who seem very confused when they see me on my knees.

         “S-Squad Leader Alice?" Eren asks nervously. “Have you seen Corporal Levi?"

          _Levi?_

        “We thought he'd most likely be with you," continues Armin, "b-but it doesn't seem... I mean, he's not here... So... Do you perhaps know where he might be?"

_Where's Levi?_

_Someone's asked me that before... Oh, yes, it was Hange. What year was it, 832? I think I was seventeen. We were having dinner. I didn't know where he was. When I came to his room, he wasn't there. After walking around for a while, I found him lying on a grassy hill, looking up at the sky. "What're you doing?" he didn't even flinch; he probably heard my footsteps before._

_“I'm waiting for the stars," his answer shocked me. He? Stargazing?_

_“But, have you never seen the stars?"_

_“Not like this. Only through a hole in the underground city's roof. Stars like these... They can only be seen from here," he paused and sighed. “I suppose you wouldn't get it. You got used to these stars..." another pause, this time longer. I laid down next to him on the cold grass and we remained silent for some minutes. Eventually, he asked me: “How were the oranges?"_

_My eyes opened up like plates and I turned to look at him. “You remember?" he closed his eyes before opening them up again and talking:_

_“That time in the alley... I hadn't eaten in nearly three days. I came out of the underground to see if I had any luck searching the trash from above. I somehow got to that place, and then I heard a man yelling. I hid inside that crack hoping he wouldn't notice me, when I saw this little girl about my age running away from him. Little did I know, that girl and her stupid fruit would save my life. So, yes, of course I remember, I'd be an idiot if I didn't," he finished and looked at me._

_“I'm... I' m just, what...?" he stared back above. The purest of surprises got painted on his face and he pointed a finger at the sky._

_“Look, the first star just appeared!" I looked up, too, and saw a little dot of light among the clouds. Except this time, it was one of the most beautiful and fascinating things I had ever seen. "Somebody once told me that if you wish upon the first night star while it is still alone, your wish might come true," he was serious when he said this and turned my head his way: his eyes were lit up with something I'd never seen in them before. I smiled. I focused on that star again and made my wish._

_I decided not to tell Levi that my wish was him._

        “Eren,” I say, interrupting Armin through whatever it is he came up with. His green eyes look at me, confused, “where is Hange?” he is about to answer when a shot is fired and a thin column of black smoke rises up. I look at the people around me and they are all focused on me, as if waiting for orders. I swallow hard. “Come with me. Sasha, look for Mikasa and bring her with you,” she nods and flies away. I shoot in the direction of the smoke and they follow me close behind. A dark feeling overcomes me out of nowhere, making me more alert. We avoid most of the titans, but we still see ourselves forced to fight. As we hurry up and kill them as fast as we can another shot is fired: yellow smoke. This is a special signal Hange came up with, indicating the need for Levi, Mikasa or myself. I feel as if someone is shaking my insides violently. First the black emergency smoke, now they’re calling for us… Something is definitely wrong. I tell everyone to hurry up. We finally see the source of the shot, but no titans are around: it is coming from a building’s window. There, I finally see Hange timidly looking outside. As soon as she sees me her eyes open up widely; she turns around.  _What the hell is going on? If there are no titans, then why did you…?_

        Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck. Oh, no, fuck, please, don’t let it be what I’m thinking of.  _No. No!_  I hurry up and get to the door of the building before the rest. Moblit is also there, and he opens the door for us in a rush. I quickly slip inside and find Hange standing next to him. She had been crying. “Where is he?” I ask desperately. She opens her mouth as to say something but I interrupt her, my voice falling to a cracking whisper: “Hange Zoë, you better tell me where he is right now or I swear-”

        “Come with me,” I put my blades away and follow her deeper into the building, where she probably guessed the titans would have a harder time finding us. We go down one set of stairs and walk down a small hall with two doors to each side. The last one to the left is open, and a dim light emanates from it. She stops. I glance back at her, but she’s looking at the dark wooden floor. “There’s… A small window there,” at first I don’t understand why she wants to explain the source of the light to me, but then I take a few more steps and go through the open door:

        He’s lying on the floor. There is a bag under his head and his cravat is a bit more loosen. Some locks of that gorgeous black hair are blood-plastered to his forehead. He has cuts and bruises over most of his face. He was looking out the window until he heard me come in. He then looks at me and weakly grins: his eyes are almost closed. I run to him and kneel by his side, putting his head on my lap and holding his hand with mine, pressing it against my heart. I start crying and I run a hand through his hair.

        “Hey…” he says weakly.

        “Levi…” I respond, tears not letting his name sound as beautiful as it always does. “H-How did this…? How did this even happen?” I pause. “God, I… No, this is just… I-I-I just…”

        “Hey, sh, no, stop crying,” he lets go of my hand and wipes my cheek. More tears fall on his fingertips. “S-stop that. I’ve already g-got a hole in my s-side, I don’t need any more p-pain…” he’s so cold. I can barely breathe. I’m shaking so hard, and he chuckles. I open up my eyes widely: this is the first time I’ve heard him laugh. It’s so… It’s like everything I ever hoped it would be. I take his hand again when I see him trying to speak. “It’s funny, isn’t it? This is my first laugh e-ever, and also the l-last…”

        “No. No, no, I… Hange will help you. H-Han-” he laughs again.

        “Alice, come on. Y-you know I won’t-”

        “I SAID NO! NO, LEVI, NO! I REFUSE! This isn’t your last day. No. HANGE, PLEASE! DO SOMETHING!” she is standing under the doorframe. Looking down, she slowly shakes her head. “DON’T- NO! Where is the medic team?  _Where?_  Have we nothing to-?” I feel his cold hand on my cheek. When I glance back at him, he’s grinning again, and I just know. I know what he wants to say, but I still wish to hear it. I know that he wants to say it, too, and I press his hand in place against my face with both of mine, letting go of his hair. Not thinking about it, I lean down to kiss him. Our lips don’t move, they just press sweetly. I lean back again and brush his hair out of his forehead. I hear footsteps and Mikasa hands me a wet piece of cloth. I nod and take it, beginning to clean his face. He is still smiling and looking at me. My cries become softer, his gaze still alive and somehow calming me down a bit. Lastly, I wipe his hands and head over to his cravat to tie it better, but he grabs my wrist and shakes his head.  _I see. You want to go how you really are. You want to die the person you grew up being._ As if he could read my mind, he nods.

        “No…” I say again. “No, just…” we don’t move for a while. Sunlight gets lower and shines directly upon my eyes.

        “Th-they’re beautiful,” he tells me. I look at him, confused. “Y-your eyes, I mean. They r-remind me of m-midnight s-stars…”

        “I love you,” the words just burst out of me. I swallow. “I love you, Levi, I love you so much. You can’t even imagine how much. So much it… So much it hurts. But it’s also wonderful. Your love makes me feel wonderful like nothing ever has. Thank you, for everything, thank you. I-I love you,” he smiles widely this time.

        “I love you, too.”

        He squeezes my hand. I lean down to kiss him again. His lips are cold now, too, and as we lay there together, his grip loosens up more and more. Finally, he lets go, his kiss stops, and when I look at him, his eyes are closed peacefully like the night before. It’s almost as if he were sleeping, but when I shake him by the shoulders he doesn’t wake up.

        “L-Levi?” I shake him harder. “Wha-? No… NO! LEVI, WAKE UP! WAKE UP, PLEASE! N-no, I- We- PLEASE! You can’t be… H-he can’t be, he’s not… NO! GOD, NO! WHY? WHY HIM?” I pull his body to mine and hug him. He won’t hug me back. He won’t ever hug me back again. Hange comes and puts a hand on my shoulder. Everyone is gathered at the door. Armin brings his green cape and I slowly let go. He is about to cover him, but I stop him. “Wait,” I grab and undo his white cravat. I tie it around my own neck, breathing in his smell. I place a final kiss on his lips. Standing up, I nod his way. He puts his cape over his body.

        The call to return sounds loud and clear. “Commander Hange,” Moblit says. Jean comes in and picks up Levi. With the help of Eren, he puts him on his back while we head outside. But we freeze: six titans are walking right next to us.  _Shit, what now?_

        “We can’t fight,” says Hange. “We ran out of gas. That’s why he-” I glare her way and she shuts up.

        “How many of you have enough gas?” Jean, Connie, Sasha, Armin and Eren raise their hand. “Good. Jean, you take Levi. The rest of you take Mikasa, Moblit and Hange and head for the Wall. Refuel and see how you can help others,” I pull out my swords. Someone grabs my elbow when I’m about to go outside.

        “Don’t do it,” her eyes water up. I don’t do anything. I’m angry; there is no way I am not fighting.

        “Hange, I have to. You guys will never make it otherwise,” a few seconds pass. Suddenly, she hugs me.

        “Just don’t die.”

        Once they leave, I get out immediately distracting the titans. Diagonally to our building is a tower. I shoot there. In the path between the two structures there are 3 of them. I spin in the air and kill them in one go. I haven’t fought like this in quite a while. The other half is now coming my way. I change my blades and go to the building directly in front of me. They are all around the corner of it now.  _9-meters, 13-meters and 6-meters. Right._  I shoot at the head of the tallest one and go over him. Before it can react, I shoot its back and go forward, slicing its neck. I jump on his head and aim for the tower again. Once I’m standing there, I shoot again for the building where we were. I shoot my blades and cut one of the napes, reloading mid-air, I let go of the building and instead shoot at its head. I stand on it and bury my swords deep in its skull. It screams in pain. “Oh, that’s right,” my voice is cold. It strangely feels like mine, but it doesn’t sound like it. This one’s more… Sadistic. Blood-thirsty. It didn’t scare me. “Hange mentioned once that you guys feel pain,” when it stops moving, I crouch and whisper: “ _Is that so?_ ” I jump on the building behind it and leave my blades buried even deeper in its head. I load my last pair and just look at it. Grinning, I say: “Enjoy it,” then, I turn around and head for the Wall.  _What… What did I just do?_

        When I finally arrive, everyone is gathered in a circle round his body. They turn to look my way as I walk there. I can hear them whispering to each other, saying things like ‘there she is’ or ‘did she know?’, they ask each other where my squad is (“…we found Maurice and Abeline’s bodies..”) and I try my best to shut them out. Strangely, I am… I feel calm. Even when I’m standing among the others staring at him, I don’t feel anything in particular. Erwin is there, helping others refuel. As soon as he sees me he stands up in a rush and walks to where I am. He’s not wearing his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows. I have never seen him like this; even his hair is a bit messed up. His pace becomes quicker when I look back down and when he gets to me, he hugs me. He buries his face in my hair.

        “I’m sorry,” he whispers. Everyone around us is shocked to see him act like this, but they don’t know him like I do. When I first started training, the things that I’d been through, the men that I’d met… They changed me. They had hurt me. We were 3 years apart in terms of age, but he was smart and heartfelt. I couldn’t stand unknown human contact, not even a little bit, and the day of the first hand-to-hand combat training I’d had a breakdown. Levi and Hange were practicing and didn’t notice it. I was curled up against a wall in the shadows when I heard his footsteps. A hand appeared right in front of me. “It’s okay,” he’d said. You can practice with me. I won’t hurt you,” I’d looked into his blue eyes. Something about him made me feel okay, I didn’t know exactly what, but his grin seemed trustable enough. I timidly took his hand: despite being thirteen, he was slightly taller than me. “Let’s go.”

        Since then, our trust in each other had grown every day. Although I don’t hug him back. I simply ask:

        “Why?” he looks at me, furrowing his eyebrows. He pushes us away from everyone and grabs my shoulder. “It’s just another death, right? Necessary for humanity’s victory,” I feel a knot forming in my throat. “That has been my objective since the beginning, hasn’t it? I didn’t come here to make friends or fall in love. I’m here because I want to have a choice, and I want to help fight for humanity’s victory and free-”

        Erwin slaps me. My eyes open wide and I look at him. It was a hard slap, too: he cut into my cheek a little bit; I can feel a drop of blood rolling down. He’s regained his usual serious expression, but his eyes are slightly red and focused on me.

        “This isn’t you,” he says. He sounds severe and slightly worried. “The only man you loved, not to mention your brother, just died. Don’t you feel anything at all?”

        “I’m… I’m trying not to,” he holds the cravat in his fingers delicately.

        “Then don’t,” he looks so… Distressed, I think would be an appropriate word. “Don’t, Alice. Listen to me- No, no, don’t look away,  _listen to me_ : don’t do this to yourself. I know that I’m probably not the best person to talk about this, but trust me, that is not a good way of living. Don’t hide how you feel. Just feel it, everything. Don’t turn into me,” I reach up to hold his face, then I get on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck. He hugs me back, our eyes closed, tears slowly streaming down both of our faces.

***

        _My entire world comes crumbling down. I’m lost in a never-ending forest, at night. There are no stars in the sky, no animals sound among the tall trees. A cold breeze blows my hair into my face, and I suddenly realize I’m not wearing any clothes. Regardless, I start walking, darkness consuming my senses slowly. Am I… Dying? I look up again: this time, countless dots of light shine against the dark veil of the sky._

_“Alice!” I hear a voice call, and I stop. No, it can’t be… Maybe it’s just my imagination. “Alice! Where are you?”_

_“L-Levi?”_

_He appears behind me when I turn around. He places a hand on my shoulder, which is now covered by my uniform jacket; in fact, I am fully clothed. Levi isn’t smiling, but he takes his cravat, still hanging from my neck, and whispers:_

_“I think it suits you better than me,” he then holds my cheek softly as I reach out to him._

_“I love you…” he smiles._

_“I know you do.”_

_When he starts fading away, he looks up at the stars, still smiling, taking away the forest and the sky with him._

        When I wake up, I don’t recognize my room.  _Oh, right, I’m staying with Erwin._  He’d been kind enough to let me stay with him after we came back. I was terrified of sleeping alone, so we shared his bed. I can hear his steady breathing, and I turn to look at him: this is a side of him only a few of us know, a soft side full of empathy and… Love. I like it a lot, it feels more human. I turn again to look at the ceiling.

        If I could go back to the day I met Levi, I would take him with me to my home, give him a place to live, a family to call his own. It is still very strange, even after three weeks, to not see him around, to not hear his voice. I will never have him next to me again, telling me what to do or talking to me about whatever bothered him that day. I’ll never hear that monotone talk, full of wisdom and knowledge. The cold stars in his eyes have finally shut down, and those worlds full of secrets are now still, quiet. I will never appreciate that graceful dance in the air while he fought; the way he held a cup, how he cleaned everything as soon as he entered a room. I’m never going to catch that fresh, forest-like scent he had, I’ll never feel his body against mine at night, his strong arms keeping me safe. I will never run my fingers through his dark locks of hair. I will never look into his gray eyes and think of how beautiful he is… Never again.

        And it makes me sad, yes. Of course it does. But I guess I’m happy for him. He’s finally free. He gets to explore the world as much as he wants to and more. He’s with the people he loved, the people he’d always cared for. I can’t be selfish enough to wish for his return, now that he’s happy, or so I like to believe. And besides, I trust that we’ll one day be together again. I’m glad I told you this story. That way, people will know. They’ll know how much I loved him, how much I still do, and just how much he changed me. Yes, I am very glad I’ve told you. Now that I go over it one more time, lying on this bed staring at a moon-stained false midnight sky, I feel happy. I am alive. I haven’t felt like this in quite a while. In the end, I owe it all to him: my happiness, my spirit, my courage, my life… We both gave these things and more to each other through all these years. And I, for once, decide to smile. So I just smile. I smile for him, for my family, for Hange, Erd, Erwin, Petra, for everyone.

        But most importantly: I smile, feel and love for myself.


End file.
